


if i provide the skin

by sandyk



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Amputation, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), F/M, Prosthesis, a little angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28098570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: Peter and Captain Marvel did the second snap and while she's just a little scarred, Peter lost his hand. He thinks he's coping okay and he's probably wrong. At least he finally starts dating MJ.
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 11
Kudos: 49
Collections: All Marvel works that I like (or most of them)





	if i provide the skin

**Author's Note:**

> For the hurt comfort bingo spot: loss of limb/amputation. Not mine, no profit garnered. Title from CocoRosie's Terrible Angels. Thank you A!!!

When Peter takes off his hand because it itches -- he has an itch on the half of his forearm that's still him. He tries to use specific terminology, even though everything he thinks is alienating. He read that was helpful on some of the online forums for people who've lost a limb. There are enough amputee forums he can only read the hand ones. He doesn't go to the ones in person because he has a straight-from-Wakanda-tinkered-on-by-Tony-Stark-and-Dr.-Cho-and-tinkered-with-again-by-Shuri prosthesis. It, his new hand, part of him basically works like a real hand and wrist and he can feel sensations from the prosthesis, too. No one else has that yet, not at that level. 

He wonders, looking at his stump, maybe his healing is finally kicking in. It would take time, maybe a year, and they'd have to keep adjusting his prosthesis but his hand could grow back. Pink baby skin hand, that's how he pictures his regrown and healed body part. They'd adjust his prosthesis so it wasn't apparent his hand was growing back and he'd say, well. He has no idea how he'd explain that his hand has grown back. If it grew back. It's not going to grow back. It's not happening.

It's not happening. Peter complains about the itch to Dr. Cho, it's just irritation. He goes over to Tony's lab and Dr. Cho and Shuri all look at the hand and then Peter's arm. They make some minute adjustments and no more itch.

"Sorry," Mr. Stark says. "I know you had to have a little hope. It's not growing back, though."

"I know," Peter says. He makes a fist with his robot hand. Once it's on, it's so well-built and intuitive, he doesn't have to think in specific ways to get it to act like a hand. Like his hand. He's trying not to refer to his hand as it. 

The story they're telling people is when Peter came back from the Blip, he was in a precarious position and there was an accident so that's how Peter lost his hand. He got his fancy hand because he knows Tony Stark and Tony Stark pulled a lot of strings for his favorite intern. Peter wears long sleeves everywhere these days and a silly black glove. 

During PE, he sits on the bleachers with his plaid shirt over his fake hand. MJ sits on that side of him. She says, "But really, you lost your hand being Spider-man, right? Also why Wakanda made your new one."

He could protest. It's funny how he's recovered mostly, but there's a level of energy missing. He gets winded easily. He can't even go back to being Spider-man and it's been two months. The new hand doesn't stick to anything, so he'll need to train once he has the energy. He's tired right now. It's too much work to protest. He says, "I guess it's obvious."

"Just to me," MJ says. "So what happened?"

He explains Thanos and infinity stones and then the Blip. One year later, the Hulk brought everyone back, and Dr. Strange brought Peter to the big battle. "So there's this glove, okay? With all the Stones and it was in my hands. And the battle was getting grim. It felt like it. I literally didn't know that Dr. Banner was hurt with the glove, because no one told me. No time, you know? Captain Marvel landed to take the glove and she just sort of knew. Knew what I was thinking, she was probably thinking it, too. So, since it was a huge glove, we both put our hands in."

"And," MJ says, after he's silent for too long. 

"It's really hard to describe. The experience. But we killed everyone on Thanos's side. Dusted them, I guess. Anyway, it's a lot. And everything burned. That time, I mean our hands. She's more powerful than I am, though, she just has scars. She has a lot of scars. But me?" He holds up his hand, the prosthesis a dull white. 

MJ tilts her head, and then says, "Can I touch it?"

"My hand? Sure," he says. He looks at all the other kids, doing PE or whatever.

"Okay, you can just say don't call my body it," MJ says. She actually takes his hand, clasps his hand on his thigh. 

He nods and looks back at her. 

MJ says, "It's warm. Your hand is warm, sorry." She's quiet and then she says, "Um. I just wonder. Like, right hand is now this. Do you still … uh, in your alone time --"

His cheeks must be bright red. He grips MJ's hand a little tighter. He laughs nervously. He says, "Other hand now. This one feels weird. On skin." He looks back at her, she's also avoiding his eyes. He says, "Ned hasn't even asked that."

"Well, I'll tell him," MJ says. "I'm sure he wondered." They're quiet for another minute, just holding hands. She says, "Was it really painful? Do you get those phantom limb pains? I always wondered if that was just some stupid metaphor."

He looks at his knees. He says, "It's real. Not, like, pain, but sometimes I think my hand is still there even though I've taken the prosthesis off. It was really painful. I wish I'd passed out when it happened, but I was awake until they put me out in Wakanda. It really hurt."

"Sorry to remind you," she says.

Peter shrugs. She says, "So sometimes you take your hand off?"

"Yup," Peter says. "At night before I go to sleep. I don't need to. I just do. That's weird, I guess."

"You can just sleep on it?"

"It's from Wakanda," Peter says, looking at her. 

She says, "I'm glad you're alive. Are you not being Spider-man anymore? People think he's dead since he didn't come back after the Blip."

Peter shrugs again. He goes back to looking at the other kids. He doesn't look at her. He says, "It's not like that. It's, it drained my energy, doing that. I'm exhausted all the time. It's getting better though. Probably another month or two, I'll be okay. Ready to get back at it."

"No need to rush," MJ says. "What does your aunt think? Of your new hand?"

Peter goes for shrug number three. He says, "I don't know. It's hard for me to tell. Am I projecting? I think she's uncomfortable when I'm not wearing my hand, but maybe it's just me, being uncomfortable and she can tell. It's probably all me."

"Probably," MJ says. "Did you get finger lasers? That would be cool."

"No," he says, laughing. "Ned did ask that one. I already have, I'm good already, I don't need to rely on a prosthesis."

"You already have superpowers," MJ whispers. 

He nods. They're both quiet again. When he looks over at her, and they're still holding hands, she's just so pretty. She leans in and he leans towards her and they're kissing. 

Coach Wilson whistles loudly. "Hey, no making out. No kissing. Hold hands all you want, but no kissing."

So they don't let go, but they both sit back a little. 

He brings MJ to the new apartment a week or so later. Peter's room looks like he's barely unpacked, May's room looks so much better. MJ wanders in and Peter trails behind her. MJ says, "This is a lot of CDs."

May has a whole bookshelf of CDs. "May has three types. She loves a certain kind of man and acoustic guitar," Peter says. He waves at the Robyn Hitchcock, Billy Bragg, Paul Westerberg, Mountain Goats, Replacements and more section. "Also, Mary J Blige and Aretha Franklin." He waves at that section. "And she loves dance music, that's all on her phone. She loves disco."

"Huh," MJ says. 

They sit on the couch and make out while all new episodes of Forensic Files play in the background. He basically sits on his right hand, his prosthesis hand, because he doesn't like touching her that way. With that. It's MJ, so she clearly notices but doesn't say anything. 

May makes dinner which is heating up lasagna from the night before that they ordered in. She is humming in the kitchen. Peter remembers when she dragged him to a Robyn Hitchcock concert a few months after Ben died, May mouthed along the words to every single song. There were a lot about trains. Maybe he just remembers those more vividly. At the drop of a hat, she'll talk about seeing Aretha Franklin live years ago. 

He really thinks she doesn't care about his stupid hand. She turns around and puts the plates on the table. "Sit and eat."

Peter's lucky. He has the best prosthesis ever. He can sit and eat and nothing's really changed, no accommodations needed. The food tastes a little chalky in his mouth but he just keeps eating. 

After dinner, he does some of his homework while May watches Hallmark holiday films. Christmas is actually pretty far away, but she loves those films. May says, "Did you have MJ over this afternoon?"

He nods and concentrates really hard on his physics. May says, "It's okay, I just want to make sure you don't rush into anything."

"I've known her forever," Peter says. "It's not rushing."

"I mean, you've died. You've come back. You've had all these bad things happen to you. You might think you're ready for anything," May says. "Or you can handle anything. That's not true. You're still sixteen."

"Technically - "

"Don't start with me," May says. She laughs a little while she gives her best side hug. "You don't know everything. It's okay."

"This is your long winded way to say don't have sex," Peter says. On the screen, a woman with dark roots and blonde hair is complaining about a Christmas tree lot.

"Yeah, that, too," May says. "But there's a lot of ways to rush."

Another two months and he's getting back his energy every day. Like his healing just decided to kick in. Doesn't matter, he thinks. Every day he wakes up and feels a little stronger. He goes to the in-the-process-of-being-rebuilt-compound and practices being Spider-man. He keeps reaching with his right hand to stick and he doesn't stick. Tony says, "Maybe we can get the suit to compensate."

"No," Peter says. He jumps again and uses his left hand to stick to the wall. "It's fine. I just need to remember. That's what training is for. I don't want to rely on the suit or the prosthesis."

"Webbing comes from the suit, that's something you made," Mr. Stark says. "Doesn't count?"

"It's different," Peter says. "I don't want it, okay?"

"Got it," Tony says. He has that look, like he's taking notes. 

"It's a perfectly healthy and rational response to my injury," Peter says. He does a few flips, throws himself at the wall to test his instinctive reactions. He just needs to train. 

"You know best, what with that medical degree. No, wait, you have a psychology degree, right?"

Peter rolls his eyes and lands, standing in front of Mr. Stark. He says, "I know how to survive bad things happening. Come on."

Mr. Stark smiles, pats Peter's left shoulder. "Got it. No additions to the suit unless you request it."

He's ready, he's ready to be Spider-man. He makes it through the first two hours without using his right hand, his prosthesis, to try and stick. "Training," he says to himself. 

He goes home and, still, pointlessly, takes his prosthesis off. Then he's walking in the dark and stumbles, and tries to lean on his stump. It actually hurts, this random weird shooting pain from jamming what's left of his arm into the couch. He squats on the floor and cradles his stupid right arm. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he thinks. He has no need to take off the prosthesis. He just does it. 

"It's because you hate it," that's what MJ says when he brings it up. "It's not complex." She kisses his cheek to minimize any hurt he might be feeling. She's complex, but he can read her. "You hate your missing hand and the robot hand that replaced it."

"Robot hand is really inaccurate," Ned says. 

"I don't think I hate it," Peter says. "I don't hate it."

"You don't," Ned says. 

"Then why doesn't he just keep it on?" MJ is now rubbing the back of his neck. 

Peter says, "I don't, um, I don't want to be reliant on it. On my hand. My robot hand." He shrugs. 

"Why not?" MJ rubs his neck again. It feels super nice. 

Peter says, "Because, you know. That's safe. Good to be cautious."

"Maybe," Ned says. "Maybe you need to properly mourn your loss. Have you been really sad about it?"

Peter says, "I guess? I'm actually fine. Completely recovered. Took down three bad guys last week."

"But you're never completely recovered," Ned says. "You're not going to grow back your hand. No matter how good your prosthesis is."

Peter just stares at Ned and he feels like his eyes are watering but he doesn't know why. "I'm fine," he says. "I've lost a lot more than a hand."

MJ leans on his shoulders. She says, "Yeah, but you still get to be sad about it. Or angry. Whatever works for you."

"I'm fine," he mumbles and rubs his eyes. He's fine.


End file.
